As viewers of BBC1 this evening will have learned, back in the "Golden Age" of Television, it was traditional at this time of year for celebrities to completely humiliate themselves by getting shoehorned into all star shows in which they neglected their true talents in favour of making utter fools of themselves.

Wrestling on ITV was no exception. Each Christmas, top technical blue-eyes and ripping heels would be forced to disgrace themselves in a tag or triple-tag bout alongside Daddy and (usually) Haystacks.

From Xmas 1977, when Big Daddy and Tony St Clair took on Giant Haystacks and Baron Donovan (filmed at the same Wolverhampton show as Kendo Nagasaki's unmasking ceremony) this annual "Xmas present" was inflicted upon poor innocent wrestling fans who had done nothing to deserve it. Most notoriously in 1986, when a young Roy (Steve/William) Regal was squashed by Haystacks in a triple tag that also saw the final comeuppance of heel manager Charlie McGee.

With this in mind, I decided to get into the festive mood by cooking up my own ultimate Nightmare Match of utter traditional Xmas poor taste. If you don't think I'm twisted already, you will by the end of this!

Let's just set the scene - it's 1988 and some utterly sick-minded ITV exec decides to hold a WWF/UK crossover TV taping as an Xmas special (okay, I know an utterly sick-minded ITV exec came up with an even worse present that year, but anyway ... ) And the main event Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:


______BIG DADDY & HULK HOGAN
****************VS****************
GIANT HAYSTACKS & ANDRE THE GIANT

(Oh dear!)

Cut back from the ad break. Haystacks and Andre (with Bobby Heenan) in their corner taking up half of the ring. "Real American" starts playing and Hogan comes traipsing down to ringside (thankfully minus a certain helmet he was wearing around then). Gets up on the apron, tears of his shirt ... and suddenly the music changes. "We Shall Not Be Moved" comes on, down comes the fat fraud himself in thoughtfully appropriate yellow/red sequinned cape/hat. Takes his hat off (gets a bigger pop than Hogan.) Privately miffed, Hogan gives Heenan a pop (blatantly ignoring UK rules about waiting for the in-ring intro.)

Haystacks saves the situation by teaching Hogan some manners chokeholding him over the top rope down to ringside. (where Brian Crabtree is fuming over not getting to do the intro.)

Daddy charges across and body-checks both big men sending Andre into the ropes and causing Haystacks to land on Heenan. "EASY! EASY!" etc.

Everyone picks themselves up and gets back into the ring, Brian Crabtree does the introduction. THEN, re-run from Haystacks' chokeslam onwards. Andre and Haystacks take turns at getting knocked over. Heenan has to help Andre up each time (for obvious real life medical reasons.) All punctuated with more chants of EASY!

Then Hogan tags in, does *his* routine (hand to ear etc) and then punches and bodyslams Andre. Another quick burst of Hulkamania, then Hogan goes for Haystacks - but collapses under his weight. Stax follows up with a string of elbowsmashes (getting a public warning in the process) before finally going for a pin.

Brian Crabtree, looking proud as punch in his red/blue jacket:
AFTER FOUR MINUTES AND SIX SECONDS, THE FIRST FALL OF THE CONTEST, BY PINFALL, GOES TO GIANT HAYSTACKS & ANDRE THE GIANT!!! (heat from crowd.)
Bobby Heenan comes in the ring to taunt Daddy. Daddy drinks up a full bottle of water and spits it out in Heenan's face. Heenan goes beserk so Daddy puts the corner bucket over the Brain's head and bodychecks him out of the ring. Daddy gets a public warning.

SECONDS AWAY - SECOND SESSION

Hogan is still down and has to carry on with Haystacks. He barely gets up at the count of 9 before Stax press slams him into the corner. Andre chokes out Hogan while Haystacks and Heenan distract the referee. Big Daddy threatens to come in and Heenan dashes over to Daddy. The referee tries desperately to keep them apart completely missing Haystacks and Andre sandwich-bodychecking Hogan.

This then happens a second time. The third time, Hogan ducks out and the two Giants collide and are sent reeling. Hogan "hulks up" and boots Andre back into the ropes, where he falls and gets tangled up. Hogan revs up the crows before succesfully slamming Haystacks and going for the legdrop and pin (Kent Walton obejcts to the referee accepting this as all one move.)

Brian Crabtree:
AFTER THREE MINUTES AND FOUTEEN SECONDS, THE SECOND AND EQUALISING FALL, BY PINFALL, GOES TO BIG DADDY & HULK HOGAN!!! (pop from crowd.)
Hogan and Daddy start their respective routines. Bobby Heenan comes in screaming mad. The referee warns him off starting with Daddy. Heenan backs off - and falls backwards over the still prone Haystacks! He rolls out of the ring and flops to the floor.

SECONDS AWAY - THIRD SESSION

Haystacks is up and taking no prisoners. Backs Hogan into his & Andre's corner. They work Hogan and the referee in relay. One distracts the referee while the other punishes (Haystacks crushes into the corner while Andre chokes from outside.) Eventually Stax gets his Second And Final public warning. Slams Hogan and tags Andre, who poorly suplexes Hogan into a pin (a la Feb 5th 88 ). Hogan kicks out at two, Andre shoves Hogan ... into the ropes where he tags Daddy!

Daddy bodychecks Andre once. He staggers. Twice. He reels. Three times. He falls. Haystacks comes in and gets the same treatment. He falls on top of Andre, ironing out the "Giant Idiot" (c) Eddie Ellner Hogan legdrops Haystacks while Daddy splashes Andre. They stand back as the count reaches 8-9-10!!!

Brian C:
AFTER TWO MINUTES AND THIRTY EIGHT SECONDS, WITH THE THIRD AND DECIDING FALL, BY KNOCKOUT, YOUR WINNERS, BY TWO FALLS TO ONE, BIG DADDY & HULK HOGAN!!! (pop from crowd.)

Heenan comes in the ring and gets punched BY Hogan. Big Daddy starts Easy chant as the two defeated Giants roll out of the ring. Several bodychecks have Heenan down on the mat. As Hogan revs up the crowd hand-to-ear, Daddy gives Bobby the Brain Heenan the Big Splash, getting the biggest pop of the evening. Heenan rolls out and we see one last camera shot of the cheesed off heels flipping the bird to the ring before skulking off. The ring gets overrun with little kids (so at least Hogan can't do Real American) and we end with them all doing the Easy chant, as Kent Walton bids us to Have a Good Time Til Next Time...